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"You weren't wrong, Tom. You were just wrong about me."
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I went in for an interview yesterday for a Lab Managerial position for the Metallo lab at UCSD Bioengineering. I think it was then I realized I'm very happy with my current position at the Salk. Now that I'm sober, I'm much more sharp and aware of the experiments that I run day to day. Most importantly, I come to work happy and prepared to conquer the day. I'm sure my post-doc can see the difference in my performance and attitude. Although there is a HUGE language barrier that makes any sort of communication difficult; we've been able to understand each other a lot better (even with lack of words), making it much easier to work along his side. I finally feel the honor working here and it feels great that I'm finally enjoying what I do. I just wish that my work ethic could have grown to such lengths earlier, but better late then never. (cliche, cliche, cliche)
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| Sabotage love, counterfeit.
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'There's a devil inside of everyone. I am no exception.' For the longest time I chose to wear the scarlet letter as if I had committed the crime. Granted I did hurt someone who once meant the entire world to me; the judgements passed upon me by the world and myself were extreme. Extreme in the sense that I found myself ducking all of my own friends, drowning in guilt and pain. Pain because that's the way I felt for thoughtlessly getting caught up in singledom too soon; leaving the love of my life consumed with hurt and hate. But pain should have been the end of that experience. Instead it bled into an entire set of emotions that I couldn't distinguish from one another. The quality of my life became absolute S H I T. Why? Because I cared too much about what people thought of me. I let these people define and destroy me. That is my biggest flaw, my worst public enemy.
But seeing as how everyone and everything is panning out the way they are, I ask myself: Who are these people to have such strong opinions on the way I live my life? Tell me, who the fuck are you? I reflect on the past and the present and I laugh because the devil is much uglier in everyone else. I laugh because I can't believe I let people like you define how fucked up I was. Everyone else is far more confused and screwed up. Look at me now. Talk to me now. Let's talk about my conscience and how pure you are. You are just as bad as me.
The first lesson of 2012 would be to f u c k t h a t n o i s e. A tough lesson that requires me to change deeply rooted notions of self, but one that I am determined to conquer. One that is much easier to grasp after these reflections. I define my own self. You will define me only if I deem you worthy enough, only if I love and respect you.
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I can see the sun barely highlighting the skies in pink as I'm getting off work.
Sunsets this time of the year are the most beautiful.
Nothing puts me in a better mood than catching moments like these as a wrap up my day.
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